I’ve come to learn that colorism is man made and NOT God made. If you are a person who believes in God then you shouldn’t be concerned about the rules that man makes anyways right? God didn’t make a mistake when he gave us the skin that we are in no matter how light or how dark. Your skin serves a purpose for what you are to do in this life, who you can reach and who will receive you. God is versatile and he loves all different shades and colors which is why he made you and me. So what is to be said about one skin tone being more received then the other? Well the good news about this is it opens the door for the need to depend on God more which is what he wants from all of us anyway. Whether we accept it or not we were all put on this earth to do something that will reach and touch lives in a special way but with all the different people and personalities in the world, one person alone can not reach and touch everyone’s life no matter how amazing, light or dark he or she is. So, God created you and me to assist with reaching others as he knows some people will receive lighter, darker, taller, shorter, heavier etc. because let’s face it, our appearance can have an influence on how we are received by others and God knows this.
The bottom line is, the Bible says that God knows the number of hairs on our heads; so if he has taken the time to pay that much attention to detail with us then there is no way he just randomly gave us the skin that we are in. He did so with wisdom and purpose! So if you are a person who has been a victim of colorism in anyway, I pray that you be encouraged by knowing that God made you just the way you are on purpose and no matter what privilege man may or may not give you, God has given you all the PROVISION that you will ever need to do whatever it is he has called you to do and his provision overrules mans privilege any day!

We all have that special someone In our lives who deep down we love to pieces but find it difficult to connect with, get along with or some times even be in the same room with. Why is this? Well some might say it’s personality differences and although there might be some truth to that it’s absolutely not the only reason as it is possible to have different personalities and still get along with others because the basis of how we get along with others is based on behavior not personality. Most of the time the struggles in our relationships are a result of the trauma that our loved one has endured which has affected the way they view the world and guess what, you are in the world so it’s going to affect the way they see you and the situations you go through that involves the both of you. So what does this look like and what does this mean? Well let’s start with what it looks like. I want to be clear in defining relationships. When I say relationships I do not just mean romantic relationships as if that is the only type of relationships that trauma shows up in. I’m talking about, mother and daughter, father and daughter, mother and son, father and son and of course friends and extended family members. Trauma can rear it’s ugly head in all types of relationships. It does not discriminate! So how does it look when it shows up? Great question, well it generally shows up when conflict occurs because it can no longer hide when conflict shows up as well as it looks different in different people according to the nature of their trauma. For example trauma can be aggressive, violent, delusional, rejecting, isolating, lonely, judgmental, angry, passive and avoiding just to name a few. Now I also want to mention that just because a person has experienced some form of trauma In their life time does not automatically mean they have any of these major issues listed or other significant issues.  Our brains have something called neuroplasticity which means our brains have the ability to rewire it’s self and learn new behaviors when placed in new and good repeated circumstances. So what this means is with support and direction of a professional or loved one we can certainly overcome traumatic experiences and live a great emotionally healthy life. But for those who are not as fortunate to have support on that level, they grow up with the trauma and learn how to survive life with the trauma and the sucky part is trauma does not suddenly go away just because we grow up. If that were the case trauma would not show up in our relationships as adults. So what does the person in the relationship with the individual living with trauma do?! How do we keep a relationship with this person when trauma keeps showing up. Well depending on the behavior as a result of the trauma will determine what you might need to do. For example, if your dealing with violent trauma than seeking safety needs to be your first priority but for other behaviors of trauma, boundaries have to be set in the relationship to survive it. Boundaries are designed to keep you emotionally safe and prevent the trauma affected person from projecting their trauma on you. Now be aware, it’s not easy to set boundaries and the person your setting boundaries on is not going to reach out and thank you for setting boundaries on them but it’s imperative for your own well being that you do it! This may be the only way you can have any form of relationship with your loved one. Be mindful that the relationship will look different with boundaries in place, this is because the other party will no longer be able to continue their behavior as usual and they may not be happy about this at first but it least there will still be a relationship. I also want to warn you about the possibility of the individual you place the boundaries on becoming so bothered and intimidated by your new found way of interacting with you that they might not want to interact with you at all. If this happens take time to mourn the relationship as it is a loss but rejoice in knowing that you no longer have to deal with that persons trauma in your life. 

Did you know that anger and hurt go together? Yep they are like brother and sister, two peas in a pod almost best friends if you will.
You really can’t have one without the other. Let me give you an example. Let’s go back to high school for a minute. If your a male and your girlfriend just broke up with you and you go to school sad and crying what are your friends more likely to say about you? They will probably laugh and tell you to stop being a punk, right? Now let’s take the same scenario but this time you go to school angry about the break up and display it by hitting lockers, cursing and talking very negatively about your ex. How do you think your friends will respond to you now? They will probably accept you more and show you a little more emotional support. So what does this prove? Well what it proves is that even as children we are taught that it is more socially acceptable to show anger verses hurt which prevents us from being able to distinguish the two. We see anger and don’t even realize the hurt is there.
Now keep in mind there are some people who only know how to show one emotion and that is usually the emotion that has been the most socially accepted which is anger. This is especially common with men and young boys.
So with everything that is going on in the world today we are seeing a lot of displays of anger but realistically, it’s hurt that is just showing up as anger. Now I want to be clear that there is nothing wrong with anger or being angry. Anger is actually a healthy emotion as the Bible says be angry but sin not. It’s definitely OK to be angry as it’s a healthy emotion, but the problem comes into play when we allow our emotions to over rule us and we display terrible behavior as a result of our anger.
So what can we do about this? How can we start the process of learning how to recognize our anger as hurt and deal with  it accordingly? Well for starters we have to understand the different emotions that we feel and understand that it’s okay to feel them. For example, we have to know what sadness feels and look like and know it’s okay to feel it. We have to know what fear and anxiety feels and looks like and know that it’s okay to feel it. We have to make sure we know what these various emotions look like for both males and females, young and old. Doing this will save our relationships, our families and ourselves. How do you ask? Well let me tell you. If your living in a household where yelling is constant, no matter what the issue is someone in the house is always getting yelled at. This in return teaches you that yelling is the way to go. Now I know there is always the exception to the rule but just humor me for a minute. So now that you have learned how to yell, you take this behavior to your new relationship only to find out that your mate does not take well to yelling, in fact it causes them emotional trauma and pain and if you choose to continue with this aggressive behavior it can surely transfer down to your children which does nothing more than repeat a cycle. And there you have it, untamed emotions  that have ruined your relationship and your family. The good news is WE can heal and keep our relationships and families if we make it more acceptable to talk about our emotions and learn how to show them appropriately so we don’t just show anger all the time. Now don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place to show and express your anger however in most cases it has been done in relationships and families to excessively ruining families and relationships. 
So let’s work at understanding all our other emotions by learning how to express them making it socially acceptable within our relationships  and friendships to talk about and display our emotions the right way. Learning how to express our primary emotion which is generally hurt and sadness is especially important so that our secondary emotion does not continue to destroy our relationships and our lives.

Deception is defined as a person causing someone to believe something that is not true in order to gain some personal advantage. Let’s stop and think about that for a moment……….. okay are you ready now? Good because I am, how many times do we look on social media or tv shows or even our neighbors, friends or relatives and think to ourselves man, they must be doing so well because they look like this, that and the other? I must admit I am guilty which is one of the reasons why I am not big on social media; and this is not to say that everyone that is posting things on social media is deceiving you but a good portion of individuals are and may or may not even be aware of it. The thing about deception is it causes you to lose focus on what we are really supposed to be doing in life and redirects our attention to things that should not be as relevant to us such as cars, money, love, fame, glam etc. This is not to say that having those things are bad because they are not however, there is way more to life than those things and we were not placed on this earth just to acquire them. When someone is deceptive the issue really lies with them and their own unresolved issues which generally has nothing to do with us. The problem with us comes into play when we fall into the deception so much so that it affects our lives our way of thinking and our focus. Can you imagine how much better your life could be if you were not caught up into the deception of others and turned that energy around on you and whatever you are supposed to be doing in life? You may even become famous or wealthy in your own right just for doing what you were purposed to do. Who knows? But you will never know if you continue to allow yourself to be caught up in the deception of others because remember deception is nothing more than an illusion of someone doing things to make you believe that what they have going on is real for their own advantages which proves my point that it has nothing to do with you. So, let’s turn it around and make it about you by redirecting our attention from deception to purpose and no longer allowing ourselves to get caught up in things that are designed to take our focus off what we are purposed to do to make ourselves great!

When you look at a analog clock and you see the clock go around and around you probably don’t pay very much attention to it right? But when it’s time to set the clock backwards or forwards or if the battery dies and the clock stops I am sure you notice it than right? Well this reminds me how generational cycles are. What do you mean you ask? I will tell you. When your in a generational cycle of abuse, cheating being cheated on over eating, negativity, poverty, anger etc. Most people can’t see the cycle they are in until one of two things happens; one, an event takes place in there lives and they have a light bulb moment or two someone from the outside (outside there family) reveals it to them. One of the reasons why cycles are generational is because no one sees them to break them or no one wants to do the work to break them (and let me tell you, it is hard work).So let’s quickly distinguish the difference between a generational cycle and a generational curse. So the curse is the actually issue such as the drugs, alcoholism, lust, cheating, poverty etc. the cycle is the repetitiveness of the curse. It happens over and over again down the family line. So how do we break these cycles, Well I believe there is a generational cycle breaker in every family generation the question is does that cycle breaker rise to the occasion and take on the task of breaking the cycle? Well if the cycle is still repeating it’s self than most likely they did not. So, how do you know if your the cycle breaker in your family? Well I am so glad you asked, once you become aware of the cycles in your family and you find that it bothers you and you want it to end, than your probably the cycle breaker for that generation of your family. Now be warned, being the cycle breaker is not easy. It means you may be outcasted, rejected and talked about; why, well because you are shaking up the traditional comfort zone of your family line. Your destroying dysfunctional mindsets that have become accepted and normal. Your stopping the “that’s just how we do things around here” or “my momma did it and her momma did it so I may as well do it too”. Now I want you to also keep in mind that being the cycle breaker comes with rewards, and that is your freedom and the freedom of the generation after you! You may not be able to save the generation before you so don’t worry about that. All that means is the cycle breaker before you dropped the ball for your generation but you don’t have to drop the ball for the next generation. It takes a boldness to do this but it can be done! Trust me, I know from first hand experience. So the key thing I want you to remember about breaking cycles is it’s intentional. You have to purposely do the opposite or you will subconsciously do the same thing. I will give you an example, in my family line alcoholism runs very strong. To break the cycle in my family I decided not to drink at all. That is my way of defeating alcoholism out of my life and giving hope for the future which are my children. I’m not saying you have to be as drastic as me but you have to do something to make it STOP or the cycle will keep repeating. So are you a cycle breaker?

Our minds are very powerful. It amazes me how the mind has the ability to determine what direction we go in our lives. Our mindsets have the ability to determine our rise or our demise.  For example, your mindset can determine how much money you make, what kind of job you have, where you live, who you marry, if you get married, if you have kids, if your successful and the list goes on and on and on. You don’t believe me? Think about a person whom you believe to be successful, whether they are famous or not. They could have a really good job, or maybe they have a nice home, car, clothes etc. Maybe the person whom you deem successful has completed college or has moved from a bad neighborhood. Whatever the success looks like if you were to have conversation with them I guarantee you they would tell you they got to where they did with hard work and believing in themselves. The fact that they believed in themselves has everything to do with their mindset. So, sense our mindset has such an impact on our lives than why is it so hard for most of us to keep a positive one and move forward with “success” whatever that is for us? Well there are many factors as to why it’s so difficult for us to maintain or obtain a positive mindset but today I am going to go through 3 of them just to get you thinking. Okay number 1. Distractions. Distractions are a major, major impact on our mindsets and the way we think about things. For example, there are many who initially attend college with the mindset to graduate, get a good job and take care of themselves but when distractions such as a relationships or unexpected financial issues arise, these things have the ability to change a person’s mindset about school, which in return can change the complete outcome of a person’s life. Number 2. Emotions. This should really be first. Our emotions have the ability to mess us up in so many ways if we allow them too and most of us do allow them too at one time or another. For example, you plan on staying at your job for 5 years before seeking a promotion. You’re on year 4 and your starting to become inpatient and want to seek your promotion now. If you go for your promotion early you run the risk of not getting the full increase you can have in year 5. So if you allow your emotions to change your mindset you can loose your focus on your big picture as well as the bigger increase. Lastly number 3, people or influence. Yep friends, family, co-workers etc. usually it’s the ones closest to us that have the most affect on the way we think about things vs. strangers. For example, you want to start a business and you share your ideas with your family. They try to be supportive but because it’s not their vision it’s easier for them to discourage you with their questions, thoughts and opinions, which can lead to a change of mindset for you and possibly cause you to forfeit your dream of having your own business. So, what can you do about changing your mindset? Well you can do a few things. For starters you can change your circle of friends and whom you allow in your environment. You have to protect your mind as if it’s a precious jewel, if you don’t know body else will. Secondly, do not be moved by your emotions! I know that seems very difficult to do at times but it is very necessary. It just takes practice. Sometimes playing into our emotions even just a little bit can lead to a major disaster in our lives so please take authority of your emotions and do not allow them to take authority over you! Lastly, stay focused on the BIG PICTURE! This is my favorite one. What you’re going through in your life right now is only a piece to your entire puzzle. If you make long term decisions based off this one piece of your puzzle you could be making a mistake that will change the entire picture of your life! Think about it, if you decide to quit your job based on your manager getting on your nerves and you were up for a promotion you just forfeited your entire big picture based off that small piece of the puzzle of your manager getting on your nerves. So if you don’t take anything else with you from this blog, than you might need to change your mindset, just kidding! For real though, I hope this opened your mind about mindsets and the importance of making sure yours is in the right place. 

I want to take some time to talk about depression and becoming aware of when it’s time to get help. First, I think it’s important for you to know that there are two commonly known forms of, clinical depression and circumstantial depression which is also known as situational depression. The differences between the two are clinical depression is reoccurring and can last for years whereas circumstantial depression roots from a person feeling depressed due to their current and traumatic circumstances. With circumstantial depression it generally does not last a long time and gets better as the circumstances alleviates. Depression can look like more than just feeling sad and down. It shows up as agitation, irritability, isolation (common in adolescents), loss or increase of appetite, aggression (common in males), loss of interest in hobbies and activities as well as self- harm and suicide behaviors. These symptoms can occur with both clinical and circumstantial depression. Both clinical and circumstantial depression can be associated with a diagnosis from a professional. Clinical depression is associated with mood disorder and circumstantial depression is associated with adjustment disorder. If you have been diagnosed with depression, please do your research and learn about your diagnosis for yourself so you can have a clear understanding of what is going on with you. If something has occurred in your life like a death, divorce or kids moving out and your feeling depressed your probably suffering from circumstantial depression as you are adjusting to the change and traumatic event that has taken place in your life. Generally, this form of depression will pass however, if after a substantial amount of time has gone by and you’re still struggling with depression it may be time to see a professional. If you have feelings of hopelessness, sadness or loss of interest in activities that reoccur and last for a long time with no connection to a specific event, then you could be suffering from clinical depression and should see a professional right away.

 It’s important for you to know that seeking help for depression does not necessarily mean taking medication. A lot of people become concerned about this and therefore refuse to see a professional. There are absolutely other forms of treatment that can benefit you; for example, cognitive behavioral therapy which, consist of learning how to reconstruct your thinking to change your behaviors (this is my favorite). This is just one of many treatment methods that can be used to help with both clinical and circumstantial depression. However, if your doctor is recommending that you try medication to treat your depression; I would encourage you not to shut the idea completely down but also do your homework about the medication your doctor is wanting to try. Although medication is not a cure all, it can serve as a great assistance whiling learning additional coping skills.
So, if you or someone you know has any of the symptoms listed above and they are to the point that they cannot function in there day to day life; than it may be time to get help! 
The thing about depression is you have to really work hard to do the opposite of what you feel to work towards overcoming it. Doing the opposite of what you feel is not easy for a person who does not have depression so imagine how much harder it can be for someone who does. So, it’s okay if you need a little support to help get you there.

And for my wonderful Christian saved folk out there (whom I love and am apart of), I hear your saying, “Well, I will just pray about it and it will be alright”. You absolutely should pray about it and while your praying remember that God created therapist, counselors and doctors so go ahead and get help and let God deliver you (won’t he do it)!

There is so much information out there about how to get over a traditional break up. Things like, What to do after she left you or How to get over him. But little do I see information about what to do if you loose what was once a valued friendship. Especially when you might be confused about how the friendship ended or if you thought that person would be your ride or die friend and they just suddenly got off the ride. Has anybody been there? Well I have, and after my most recent experience;  I believe I have learned three steps that can help you overcome broken friendships and I would like to share them with you. Here we go. Number 1, mourn the relationship. The reality is regardless of if you know why the relationship ended or not, it’s still a sad and disappointing situation and it’s okay to mourn it. To mourn something means to feel sad or regret for a loss. loosing a friendship can definitely be a loss, so go ahead and deal with it by mourning it. Number two, take control and make the decision to move on! I found it a total waste of time and energy to go back and forth about what happened, how this happened and not understanding why it happened. The bottom line is it happened. Maybe your on a new level in your life and the old friends just can’t rise to the occasion and go with you or maybe you just innocently drifted apart. Nonetheless you have to control your mindset and tell yourself that I’m moving on and am no longer allowing this past friendship to hold me back. Last but not least step three, you must forgive. This is really the most important steps of them all. Forgiveness is truly for you and not the other person. Without forgiveness step one and two are in vein and won’t stick. You will always be mourning and sad and you will definitely go over and over the circumstances in your mind especially when you see them or pictures of them. Once forgiveness comes into your heart you will be totally free. Now just to be clear I hear people say all the time that, “I can forgive but I can’t  forget”. Well that maybe true, you may not forget the situation especially depending on how much it effected you but the difference in true forgiveness  is that whenever you do think about the situation, you will be pain and sad free!! And believe me it is the most treasured feeling in the world! 
The ending of friendships can be just as detrimental as the end of a romantic relationship making it just as important to learn how to deal with the ending of a friendship as you would a romantic relationship. So take heed to these steps and free yourself! So there you have it, some information about how to heal from broken friendships. Hope this helps!

Being controlled Does anyone know what it feels like to be controlled? Whether it's controlled at work through micro managing or controlled by your kids because you have to do everything for them. Or worse controlled by your mate because they act like they can’t function without you or they don’t know how to deal with your feelings so they try to control situations through anger or manipulation. Regardless of how you might feel controlled if you are being controlled it's wrong and it sucks! So what can you do about it? Well most people would say run far far away and never look back or don’t do another thing asked of you and tell everyone NO! For some, this may be the answer but for others, it may not be. Unfortunately you may not always able to leave a situation as quickly as you may want to when you feel controlled. For example, if your being micro managed at work, you may not be able to quit your job immediately.  Or if you feel overpowered by your children and they are still minors, you probably wont be able to tell them to do everything on their own just yet. So what can you do? Well what I have learned to do is set boundaries!!! I realize setting boundaries is more challenging for some than others but there are a few steps you can take to help you get started. Let’s go through them. Number one, learn your value! Whether you are a worker, parent or mate. You have value and if others can’t see it or over look it than it’s your responsibility to help them see your value! Some simple ways to do this is to learn how to say no! Saying no or not right now, or whatever version of no you might say is not a crime, nor a sin and does make you a terrible person. What it does is allow you and others to know that you have to consider yourself first so that you can continue to help them when necessary and be your best you. See how easy saying no is once you view it through different lenses? Number two, know your limits. So many times we pile on things and overload ourselves because we want to get it all done or we don’t have help and have to do everything ourselves or we just love to stress out! Whatever the reason why we do it, we need to stop it! It's not healthy and is destroying us. Number three, know when you might need to walk away from a situation or take a break. There are times when you have done your best to set your boundaries and the other individual is just not respecting you or your feelings; this can be at a job or in a relationship. If this is the case than there comes a time when you have to make a decision as to whether you need to walk away or take a break which ever might be suitable for the circumstance. When deciding to walk away or take a break, you can’t focus on the other person and how they may feel. You have to remain focus on gaining control over your life, your feelings and your emotional health. The last step I want to share with you is to make it clear on what you will and wont accept. Make this clear to yourself and the individual or individuals who are controlling you. There are several ways to go about doing this. You don’t have to be rude or mean about it but you do need to be direct and serious so that you are believable. Now I must warn you about some possible natural consequences that might come with you taking these steps of setting boundaries and becoming free from control. You may get some pushback, frustration, rejection, defiant behavior and so forth from the ones you are setting the boundaries with. But DO NOT let this stop you! They will get over it and if they don’t that’s okay too. What’s important is that you are no longer controlled and that you are a happier you!

When you think about freedom what comes to your mind? Is it flying in the sky with your hands lifted high? Or maybe going to a store and buying anything you want without having to think twice about it? Is it never having to work again and having the time to spend with friends and family or could it be something as simple as driving in a car with the drop top down allowing the wind to blow through your hair screaming “I’m FREE!”  Well regardless of what freedom looks like to you did you know that it comes with a price? Oh yes it does. Let me share with you. When you look at the life of the rich and famous all we see is the money, cars, financial freedom and extravagance. Which can look really nice to some and even become something others might envy but there is a price they pay for that life style. It could be that they can’t go to a movie or grocery store without having their picture taken or being approached by fans. Or they could have the struggle of finding new friends or entering a relationship with someone that may only want to be around them for their money or to get a piece of their fame. Or lastly it could be as simple as they might feel alone all the time bringing feelings of sadness and depression. Sounds pretty expensive if you ask me. However, this may be a price that some are willing to pay to have this lifestyle. So let’s take a look into our own lives. When we talk about things that we want in life whether that is to loose weight, start a new career or business; get out of a rut or a repeated cycle in our lives or change generational curses that affect our children and us, we have to take sometime to think about how much it’s going to cost us mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially to determine whether or not it’s worth the price and if we can afford it. Or even better we have to think about if we can afford not to do it. For example, if you are a pre diabetic, and the doctor is telling you that you need to slow down on your sugar and loose some weight before going into full blown diabetes, can you afford not to follow the doctors orders? Of course you can’t however, do we sometimes make the choice not to follow the orders? Yes we do and that is usually because we do not want to pay the price to be free. We want to be free for free and NOTHING is free! This is the thing, the person or thing that is keeping you bound will not willing let you go because it or they don’t have anything to gain from your freedom. The thing or person binding you is comfortable and enjoys having you around because it some how benefits from you, so why would it willing let you go? It’s not! I don’t care if it’s ice cream or a sugar daddy. Both person and thing are benefitting. The ice cream company is getting richer and the sugar daddy is getting his ego stroked. So, when considering whether or not you can’t afford to set yourself free consider this, who in your life will suffer if you don’t set yourself free? If you don’t follow the doctor’s orders and loose the weight to prevent diabetes, how will this affect your children and your children’s children? What example are you setting for them and what generational cycles are you maintaining verses breaking? Being free is not easy and it does come with a price, but there is also a price if we don’t fight and sometimes that price is more expensive. Lastly, I am not here to tell you to fight for freedom or not, I am just here to give you some information so you can make an informative decision and understand that the fight is real and can become intense but once the fight is over (and it will be over) you will truly be FREE and able to enjoy the fruit of your labor. Believe me, your future will thank you!

The question of do I stay or do I go after you have been betrayed in a relationship can be a challenging one for some people.  Your faced with a variety questions such as, how could this happen, is it something that I did wrong, it was only time and he promised that it would never happen again so I should stay right? Going through these questions and concerns are very common and sometimes allows us to leave the choice of us staying or going up to the one who hurt us. And if we be honest with ourselves, sometimes leaving the decision to stay or to go up to the person who hurt us takes our fears of being alone and rejected away, it least for the time being. So we might decide to stay and work it out. Please believe me when I say that I am not telling you one way or the other if you should stay or go. I just want to help you make sure the decision is YOURS and yours alone. So let’s explore. Ask yourself this question. When you wake up in the morning and get dressed do you pick out your own clothes, your own shoes, your own jewelry? Do you construct your own day by making your own choices? Does anyone say to you “don’t drive that way to work drive this way.” I am guessing that does not happen to you right? So why don't we give ourselves the choice when dealing with betrayal. In other words we might say to ourselves, I will stay if they do this or that, giving them our choice to stay or to go. Now of course you have those who say well if I've been betrayed that means I can't trust so that's a no-brainer I'm out! But for others it is not that simple. What if you have children together or have built a business together or have been together for a 1,000 years and don't really know how to live without each other? These are some of the stumbling blocks that challenge us with making the choice to stay or go; but what about your mental health, emotional health or my physical health? In other words are you okay with living a life where your nervous every time your mate goes out of town or maybe even go to work? Or are you okay with constantly feeling like you have to go through your mates phone or social media to see what they are doing? Are you okay with thinking about the possibility of your mate bringing an illness back to you, maybe even one that is not curable? Or lastly are you okay with the thought of possibly having to explain to your children that they are going to have another sibling and it’s not from you? Sometimes we don’t serious think about these things and unfortunately we may have been experiencing betrayal so long that we almost believe it’s normal to feel this way when it’s NOT. Being concerned about kid’s, businesses, money and possessions are definitely something that you need to consider and I am not saying those things are not important but how will you be able to function for the kids or anything else if you are going insane with worry, anxiety, fear and anger over your mates betrayal! The other things can always be reestablished, redirected or readjusted but it’s generally not worth jeopardizing yourself. I mean look at it, does it benefit your children to have an unhealthy home, or does it benefit your business to experience constant discord in your relationship? Okay, so let me not forget to address the ones who say, “well I just believe in family and men will be men, it’s is better to have one then not” or “my mom and dad went through this and they overcame this so I will overcome this too” or another one of my favorites, “God won't put more on me than what I can bear and if I couldn't handle this than I wouldn't be going through it.” As if God desires for us to live a life of pain and suffering, when his word clearly says he wants us to prosper and be in good health as our soul prospers! These statement and many others are the result of distorted thinking, which affects your decision to stay in situations that are emotionally, mentally and physically damaging. What most people do not understand is that betrayal can be characterized as emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is defined as a person being subjected to anything thing that brings anxiety, chronic depression, psychological trauma or PTSD from another person’s behaviors towards them aka CHEATING and EXCESSIVE CHEATING! Making the decision to stay or go has to be your decision and your decision alone, despite what your mate who has made the offense has stated or promised. The choice is really up to you! It’s important to be very real with yourself and get out of DENIAL!! Denial gets us in trouble and can ruin your life. If you think your mate is cheating and feel your mate is cheating even after they have apologized than chances are they are still cheating. It’s okay to factor in everything you may loose, give up and what might change if you decide to go but do not let that be what stops you from getting out of a bad situation! Remember those things can be reestablished, redirected and readjusted. For my Christians out there, God wants you to have life and that more abundantly. That applies to your relationships! If you are in constant worry, stress and fear because of what your mate may or may not be doing, that is not living in abundance and that is not God’s will for your life. And finally if you make the decision to stay and “work things out” that’s fine just remember that separation for a little while, buying things to smooth you over or apologizing alone is not enough to fix and repair what has been broken. I encourage you to reach out and seek support through counseling AND spiritual guidance not counseling or spiritual guidance to get to the root of the issue and heal. And if your mate who betrayed you is not in agreement with doing these things, than I believe you have your answer right there!

Having a terrible boss can be absolutely horrific! The feeling of having to deal with someone majority of your day who you do not like and who does not like you is absolutely annoying! Or even worse if you have a boss who acts nice and kind in your face but manipulates and schemes against you behind your back. I would much rather you be mean to in my face so it least I know what I am dealing with.  So why does this happen and what can you do about it? Well I have come to realize from my own experiences that bosses are people just like anyone else which mean they have issues just like anyone else and as a result their issues show up in their management. For example, if a person is having power struggle issues at home with their spouse and come to work making demands and throwing their power around than they are probably very insecure about their lack of authority and feel the need to over compensate for what they are unable to do at home. Sound familiar?? So since I have been through this a few times in my life, I have learned a thing or two on how to deal with bosses like this that I want to share with you.

1.     First and foremost always remember that you are an adult and do not deserve to be treated or talked to like a child. It is important to set boundaries (in a professional way of course). Have a conversation with your boss about how he or she speaks to you and or treats you.  If you need someone else in the room to have this conversation do not hesitate to ask for support either from HR or some else with authority.

2.      Document, but be careful how you document. Email is a wonderful tool however, you have to be mindful that once it’s in writing you cannot go back so you never want to put anything in writing that can come back to haunt you. Keep emails short and to the point. Anything else can be discussed in person or not at all. However, It is always good to keep a personal documentation log of what has been occurring. Be sure to list dates, times and people in the event you have to use it for legal purposes in the future.

3.     If you’re in Christ remember that you work for the Lord and your just there on assignment anyway. Seek guidance and instruction from God on what he may be trying to show or teach you and what your next move should be. And remember no weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that accuses you in judgment God will condemn. The bible says this is a benefit for being a child of the Most High God!

4.      Do not allow yourself to be abused or mistreated; go through the chain of command if needed to make sure you are being treated properly and fairly. Most times bosses treat people bad because they are trying to push them out or they really believe this is what bosses do. Yes, believe it or not there are people who really think that as a boss they are supposed to rule and dominate and everyone else is supposed to take it because they are the boss, “issues”!

5.     Maintain your professionalism and be polite but keep your distance especially if you have a job where you don't have to be in your bosses face all the time. Stay busy and stay away!

6.     Be mindful who you talk to about your boss and who sees you talking. Believe it or not, your boss has “minions” which means there is always someone who wants to be the teacher’s pet or A. want to stay out of the fire or B. want to get a promotion and this is the only way they think will guarantee it. So you have to know who you’re talking too and who they are talking too. It’s best practice not talk to anyone at work about your boss but we all know that is not realistic especially if multiple people feel the way that you do so just be careful.

7.      Depending on the intensity of your bosses negative attitude towards you, and if after conversations to try to resolve the issue there is still no resolve, you might need to think about if this is the place that you want to continue working at. Remember you always have options even if you think that you don't. It’s best to keep your eyes and ears open for other opportunities anyway especially if you’re young and just getting started in your career. For you old heads, maybe it’s time for you to get uncomfortable and move forward as well whether that means retirement or applying for a promotion. One thing I have learned is that life/ God has a funny way of getting our attention and “shaking up the nest”. If things are getting uncomfortable at work, than it may be time to DO SOMETHING ELSE! Embrace it!!

You get a short window in your children's life to pour, invest and build a foundational relationship with them. If you miss that window of opportunity any relationship you form with them after that is basically at their mercy. For example, it is easier to build a relationship with a five year old then it is with a fifteen year old especially if there's been hurts, disappointments and unmet needs in between. Generally at the age of five a child has more innocence to life's issues, so whatever you do wrong at that age they don't care they just want their parents; but after so long a child's innocents goes away and exposure to reality comes in and they look at the world very differently. They now see your absence or mistakes as rejection, hurt and disappointment and if there has not been any repair they can become disconnected and even cut you out of their lives completely. I am using the age of fifteen as an example it could be older or younger when a child looses their innocents on the realities of life. The point is every child comes to a time and age where their innocence wears off and any relationship or investment that you would have been able to put into them during their innocence is no longer there. You are now at their mercy of what they're willing to receive and give to you. Your wondering, why is this? You say to yourself well I did the best I could and they should understand that or I was sick and unable to support them the way they needed me too but they turned out alright anyway. Well you may be right about all those things but it does not change the fact that your child had to find other ways to get their needs met when you weren't able to meet them. So now that your child is older, they have to go through their process of moving forward, which could look distant, short or rude, sarcastic, sad and unforgiving. Generally when your child is going through their process of trying to move on and possibly let you in again they are trying to see if it's worth it for them to rebuild a relationship with you. The hard part as the parent is accepting their decision, whatever that is. Now I hear some people say, well if you truly forgive your parent than you will let them in and be open to building a good relationship with them. I say to you,  if a robber comes into your home and steals from you than asks for forgiveness do you forgive them by giving them a key to your house allowing them to come in anytime? Of course not. It's the same thing for your child. It is the right thing for the child to forgive however depending on how much damage that has been done it is possible that your child may not be interested in having more than a very simple relationship with you that could consist of occasional conversations and a few visits here and there. It is also possible that your child may choose not to forgive you and may not want to have a relationship with you at all. I understand that all of this can be very hard and upsetting, so what do you do? In my opinion the best thing you can do to help yourself get through this is to be genuine, sincere, patient and understanding. How can I do this you ask? I'm so glad you did.  Be genuine by recognizing your mistakes and how it affected your child. Be sincere with your desire to rebuild a good meaningful relationship with them. Be patient with your child as they go through their process of forgiveness, confusion, frustration and decision making of what role they plan to allow you to have in their life. Lastly be understanding of how real their experiences were for them in your absences or mishaps in there life and what they had to do to survive and compensate for your lack. Doing these things will generally give you a better opportunity to rebuilding a relationship with your child. In the event that your child does not respond to you in a positive way and chooses not to pursue a relationship with you, please be careful not to allow yourself to be guilted by your past. Your past is just that, your past and if you have been able to move forward it is not healthy for you to allow anyone even the ones you hurt to guilt you into going back to your past. Doing that can be a trigger for you amongst other things. Mourn the loss of the relationship you don't have and work with whatever relationship you can get even if it's just speaking terms. Continue to hope and pray for healing and forgiveness for your child and do what you need to in order to stay emotionally healthy in your life.
 

Do you know what emotional channels are? You probably don't because I believe I made it up, lol, but as I start to talk about it in this blog, I am sure you will be familiar with the concept that I am presenting. When you sit down to watch TV and you desire to see a movie you probably turn to your movie stations or Netflix, Hulu or something like that. When you want too see music entertainment you might turn to BET, MTV or VH1. When you want to see drama you may turn to Bravo or Lifetime movie network. The point is your able to turn to different channels based on different things you want to see.  But what if you only had one or two stations and had to try and be entertained by the one or two channels you have access too. For example, if you only had CNN and the Word Network but really wanted to watch a movie or even better the tv show Power, you would become very frustrated and possibly miserable. You would have to hope CNN has enough news drama that can substitute your desire to see a good movie. Well that is also how it works for some people when it comes to their emotions. When and individual has suffered from some form of trauma, abuse, mental health issue or simply not taught how to deal with different emotions, they may not have the skill set to handle very many emotions properly. For example, they may express the same emotion for every feeling, like when their sad they express anger, when they are depressed they express anger, when they are anxious guess what? Yep, they express anger. When they are hungry or agitated, you got it, they express anger and finally when they are angry they really express anger. Do you know anyone like this? Now mind you I used anger as the common emotion as an example but it could be anything else such as depression, anxiety etc. So how do you deal with a person like this? Or, what if you are the person who is like this? How do you overcome it?  Well it's quite simple, you have to gain more emotional channels. Now although the solution sounds simple, actually putting it in place takes some work because it requires change. Generally when people only express one emotion for different feelings it's because that particular emotion that they are expressing is the emotion that is more accepted and gets them the results they are looking for or that emotion is the only emotion that was modeled to them and they learned how to best portray. For example, if a guy gets his feelings are hurt and he shows anger generally his anger is more accepted by his peers or society verses him crying. Also, his father may have taught him that men do not cry.

 So, in order to develop more emotional channels, the individual must first be reassured that it's okay to give the appropriate response to the actual emotion they are experiencing.  Secondly, the individual may also have to learn what emotion they are actually feeling as they might not know since they have become accustomed to showing one emotion for multiple feelings. Lastly, it's important for the individual to exam what benefits they get from consistently expressing the same emotion. This can be hard to identify because most people will say they do not receive a benefit from their emotional behaviors however I guarantee you they are getting something out of it or they would not consistently be doing it. Even if it's nothing more than comfort or emotional release. 

Now in regards to being the person actually dealing with the individual who has limited emotional channels, it's important to understand the why behind the emotion they are showing. This helps develop patience and empathy and can decrease your frustration with the individual. Next you need to set emotional boundaries with the individual. When you set your boundaries of what behaviors you will and won't accept, it helps the person become mindful of what behaviors they are showing and helps them self correct. Lastly, keep the doors of communication open with the individual. Openly processing with the individual is beneficial for both parties involved. It allows the individual to actually understand what they are doing wrong and gives them an opportunity to learn how to do it right as well as gives you the opportunity to share your feelings about the behaviors that you disapprove of.

So if you know someone or are the one who has limited emotional channels, I encourage you to follow the things discussed in this blog. Doing this gives the opportunity to increase emotional channels which in return can bring emotional health to you and everyone around you.

So your in a relationship, marriage, partnership or union with the love of your life and just like most people, you thought being in this relationship would be the ultimate cure for your loneliness. You imagine trips together, late night caps, spontaneous dating and ultimately never being lonely again right? WRONG!!! When reality sets in you come to realize that your mate is actually their own person and while they may love you very much, they had their life before you and I suppose they plan on having their life while they are with you. So they decide to go and visit their family by themselves this time, or they hang out with the guys this weekend which just happens to be the weekend after you had a very long week and were looking forward to enjoying this weekend with your wonderful mate. So what do you do? Do you cry, get depressed, ignore them when they call or even better blow up their phone none stop? Well, none of these things will make you feel better so it's pointless to do them. This is the thing, they have a life so you should get a life too. What's that you say? Your life is the kids, work and ultimately really boring. Well I feel ya because I am basically the same way. I mean it's not that you don't want to do anything it's just that you may not have anyone to do anything with, or who is going to keep the kids while your gone because after all your, mate is gone too. Or my favorite, you don't have anywhere to go or the place you where you would like to go you can't afford to go. These things are so very frustrating but real life struggles. So, I think I have come up with a few things to help you get through the loneliness that can come with a relationship. First, it's important to evaluate yourself to determine if your loneliness is deeper than just wanting to spend time with your mate. There is a such thing as just feeling a little lonely verses wanting our mate to fill a void in our lives. If your looking for your mate to fill a void your asking them to meet a need that usually is too big for them to meet and doing this can easily push them away.  No one person can meet anyone's need that's why we have multiple friends, family members etc. Taking the time to see where your loneliness is coming from can help you address the right issue which might not be with your mate. Second, take the time your lover is gone to venture out and do something you have been wanting to do for a while or something completely new like writing, reading, exercising, getting your hair and nails done or whatever you choose. You might be surprised at how much you actually enjoy spending time with yourself and might even start to look forward to some alone time. Lastly, know that it's okay to feel sad and miss your mate from time to time. As long as their absence is not excessive and your not worried about any additional issues, know that your mate will be back and hopefully in a better space because they have had sometime to get rejuvenated and are now ready to spend more quality time with you. Just make sure they know that you will be going with them on their trips from time to time because after all, they are your mate and this is a RELATIONSHIP.