Trauma in Relationships

We all have that special someone In our lives who deep down we love to pieces but find it difficult to connect with, get along with or some times even be in the same room with. Why is this? Well some might say it’s personality differences and although there might be some truth to that it’s absolutely not the only reason as it is possible to have different personalities and still get along with others because the basis of how we get along with others is based on behavior not personality. Most of the time the struggles in our relationships are a result of the trauma that our loved one has endured which has affected the way they view the world and guess what, you are in the world so it’s going to affect the way they see you and the situations you go through that involves the both of you. So what does this look like and what does this mean? Well let’s start with what it looks like. I want to be clear in defining relationships. When I say relationships I do not just mean romantic relationships as if that is the only type of relationships that trauma shows up in. I’m talking about, mother and daughter, father and daughter, mother and son, father and son and of course friends and extended family members. Trauma can rear it’s ugly head in all types of relationships. It does not discriminate! So how does it look when it shows up? Great question, well it generally shows up when conflict occurs because it can no longer hide when conflict shows up as well as it looks different in different people according to the nature of their trauma. For example trauma can be aggressive, violent, delusional, rejecting, isolating, lonely, judgmental, angry, passive and avoiding just to name a few. Now I also want to mention that just because a person has experienced some form of trauma In their life time does not automatically mean they have any of these major issues listed or other significant issues.  Our brains have something called neuroplasticity which means our brains have the ability to rewire it’s self and learn new behaviors when placed in new and good repeated circumstances. So what this means is with support and direction of a professional or loved one we can certainly overcome traumatic experiences and live a great emotionally healthy life. But for those who are not as fortunate to have support on that level, they grow up with the trauma and learn how to survive life with the trauma and the sucky part is trauma does not suddenly go away just because we grow up. If that were the case trauma would not show up in our relationships as adults. So what does the person in the relationship with the individual living with trauma do?! How do we keep a relationship with this person when trauma keeps showing up. Well depending on the behavior as a result of the trauma will determine what you might need to do. For example, if your dealing with violent trauma than seeking safety needs to be your first priority but for other behaviors of trauma, boundaries have to be set in the relationship to survive it. Boundaries are designed to keep you emotionally safe and prevent the trauma affected person from projecting their trauma on you. Now be aware, it’s not easy to set boundaries and the person your setting boundaries on is not going to reach out and thank you for setting boundaries on them but it’s imperative for your own well being that you do it! This may be the only way you can have any form of relationship with your loved one. Be mindful that the relationship will look different with boundaries in place, this is because the other party will no longer be able to continue their behavior as usual and they may not be happy about this at first but it least there will still be a relationship. I also want to warn you about the possibility of the individual you place the boundaries on becoming so bothered and intimidated by your new found way of interacting with you that they might not want to interact with you at all. If this happens take time to mourn the relationship as it is a loss but rejoice in knowing that you no longer have to deal with that persons trauma in your life. 

Gwendolyn Onuoha