Rebuilding relationships with your kids

You get a short window in your children's life to pour, invest and build a foundational relationship with them. If you miss that window of opportunity any relationship you form with them after that is basically at their mercy. For example, it is easier to build a relationship with a five year old then it is with a fifteen year old especially if there's been hurts, disappointments and unmet needs in between. Generally at the age of five a child has more innocence to life's issues, so whatever you do wrong at that age they don't care they just want their parents; but after so long a child's innocents goes away and exposure to reality comes in and they look at the world very differently. They now see your absence or mistakes as rejection, hurt and disappointment and if there has not been any repair they can become disconnected and even cut you out of their lives completely. I am using the age of fifteen as an example it could be older or younger when a child looses their innocents on the realities of life. The point is every child comes to a time and age where their innocence wears off and any relationship or investment that you would have been able to put into them during their innocence is no longer there. You are now at their mercy of what they're willing to receive and give to you. Your wondering, why is this? You say to yourself well I did the best I could and they should understand that or I was sick and unable to support them the way they needed me too but they turned out alright anyway. Well you may be right about all those things but it does not change the fact that your child had to find other ways to get their needs met when you weren't able to meet them. So now that your child is older, they have to go through their process of moving forward, which could look distant, short or rude, sarcastic, sad and unforgiving. Generally when your child is going through their process of trying to move on and possibly let you in again they are trying to see if it's worth it for them to rebuild a relationship with you. The hard part as the parent is accepting their decision, whatever that is. Now I hear some people say, well if you truly forgive your parent than you will let them in and be open to building a good relationship with them. I say to you,  if a robber comes into your home and steals from you than asks for forgiveness do you forgive them by giving them a key to your house allowing them to come in anytime? Of course not. It's the same thing for your child. It is the right thing for the child to forgive however depending on how much damage that has been done it is possible that your child may not be interested in having more than a very simple relationship with you that could consist of occasional conversations and a few visits here and there. It is also possible that your child may choose not to forgive you and may not want to have a relationship with you at all. I understand that all of this can be very hard and upsetting, so what do you do? In my opinion the best thing you can do to help yourself get through this is to be genuine, sincere, patient and understanding. How can I do this you ask? I'm so glad you did.  Be genuine by recognizing your mistakes and how it affected your child. Be sincere with your desire to rebuild a good meaningful relationship with them. Be patient with your child as they go through their process of forgiveness, confusion, frustration and decision making of what role they plan to allow you to have in their life. Lastly be understanding of how real their experiences were for them in your absences or mishaps in there life and what they had to do to survive and compensate for your lack. Doing these things will generally give you a better opportunity to rebuilding a relationship with your child. In the event that your child does not respond to you in a positive way and chooses not to pursue a relationship with you, please be careful not to allow yourself to be guilted by your past. Your past is just that, your past and if you have been able to move forward it is not healthy for you to allow anyone even the ones you hurt to guilt you into going back to your past. Doing that can be a trigger for you amongst other things. Mourn the loss of the relationship you don't have and work with whatever relationship you can get even if it's just speaking terms. Continue to hope and pray for healing and forgiveness for your child and do what you need to in order to stay emotionally healthy in your life.